I love her. I do and forever will.
Our vivid memories remained everlasting in my mind. They would be eternally imprinted in my thoughts, in my heart and in my very soul. My heart’s permanently entwined with hers, no one but hers.
During my early grade school times, I was at the playground across the school when I saw a little girl crying. I guessed she’s around seven years of age. A rush of curiosity came down over me so I walked my way towards the swing she was sitting on. I asked her what suppose to be the problem but she just went on weeping. I really sympathized with her but I hardly found a way to lend my help. Her sobs eventually went much louder that I almost freaked out. Then for some reason, I was near tears.
“Don’t cry.” I plead unto her as I wiped a teardrop of mine.
“I want my mommy!” She told me back as an outburst. It then gave the idea that she was missing.
I found nothing to say more and so I continued to stare at her. Then a sudden idea popped in my mind. I gazed around and fortunately came across to a balloon vendor. I left her for a moment then returned with a balloon on hand. I relayed it to her as her tear-drenched eyes met mine.
“What’s this for?” She asked.
I also lent a paper and a pencil. “You want your Mum? Go, write it there.”
I sensed her hesitation.
“My Dad told me that if I have got something to wish, I just have to write it and then the balloon will bring it up to heaven and then my wish will surely come true.” I told her.
She finally accepted it as I responded with a smile. I saw her wrote, Please go back, Mom.
I tied it around the balloon’s tail. I gave it back to her and afterwards, she let it go in the air.
We waited for few minutes.
I saw her eyes glowed into joyfulness as we heard someone called her name.
“Anaya…”
She hastily stood up and embraced her mother. I saw her lips drew the words “Thank you”, and then they drifted off.
The years went by so fleeting that I haven’t realized it’s been 20 years since it happened. I didn’t know but somehow, it left a big mark inside of me and I hardly let go that moment.
One day, I was on my way to my niece’s school when a familiar face caught my attention. I felt the sudden urge to come closer towards her. Every step I made led me to an assurance. Few steps more and then I’m in front of her. She smiled to me and greeted me with courtesy.
“Hi.” I greeted back.
“Are you looking for someone, mister?”
Yes, I was looking for you… all along. “No, no. I just thought you’re that someone I used to know.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I have to go, ahm... I’m sorry if I disturb you.”
She only nodded back as I started to walk away. But I was about to take a step when I heard a little guy crying and as I turned around, I saw her comforting him. Soon enough, they made her way somewhere and I stayed watching her.
My heart almost came out of my chest when I saw what she was holding. She gave it to the kid beside her. And just like twenty years back…
“Just write down your wish.” She instructed him.
As soon as the child finished, she tied it around the balloon’s tail. “Know what, I was at your age when I first did this. Someone told me then –
— that if I have got something to wish, I just have to write it and then the balloon will bring it up to heaven and then my wish will surely come true.” I voiced out then made my way closer to them.
The kid flew the balloon up. The three of us gaze it together as it went higher and soon gone. Then I looked at her and she welcomed me with a smile. “Hi Anaya.”
***
50 years after…
Those eyes filled with so much suffering, her body slowly weakening and her smile trying hard to give me hope were the last things I ever want to see. But how could I erase every inch of sorrow lingering over her?
Let her stay with me...please. My tears kept on falling as I wrote each word. I looked up. “Please...”
(All along, his wishes all just came true. But some things have their own ending… even the best ones.)
***
Ever since Anaya died, he spent EVERYDAY of his life writing a message and let it sent through balloons. And each day…he wrote the same thought.
I LOVE YOU.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
For Her
I could hear every groan of misery coming from him and it stabbed me more each time he uttered my name. The tears of him that showed every sign of pain brought me into such infinite distress. He was right in front of me yet I could never have the chance to touched him again and feel the love we almost had shared. Then he looked at me along with his tear-drenched eyes, I chose to close our little gap as I stepped closer. Another tear fell running along his cheeks and another throbbing pain grew inside me that I found myself weakening. His eyes eventually turned to my coffin. I bet he saw the first gift he had given me few years back. It was a ring with his name embossed on it. His glistening eyes went glassier as he showed up a paper and he started reading it softly.
“The most joyful days of my life all happened each time I’m with you. You’ve been a great best friend all along. But I’m changing my mind now…because I want to be those joyful days to be the rest of my life with you not as my best friend but my wife.”
I tried hard to reach and touch him...but I just couldn’t. I continued watching him. I took my steps farther and soon enough, I’m gone ...for good.
***
That letter was written by him a day before she died and THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY HIS WEDDING VOW...FOR HER.
My Aeris
It is like I'm on a race and just when I'm on the last lap, I stumble then instantly fell off. And so I lose the fight.
I'm Aeris. A typical girl living under not so ordinary circumstances. I have a great family on my side, a perfect home, good education, wonderful circle of friends and one true love. Of course, I'm happy of everything life has offered me for these past twenty years. I just wish that I can be able to hold on to them for much longer. Thirty or forty years more, perhaps? But guess what, my life is now cut down to three months or even shorter.
I'm dying.
I've found out my illness before I even learned how to read. It's congenital. I have it in ever since I started breathing. Or maybe even earlier. Along the way, I somehow feel so betrayed by life I almost think so perfect. Is it my own existence that I have to give in return for all the good things it has bestowed me? Now, that's cruel.
But on the other end, I'd rather be thankful. Because I learned how to value every single second I have on my clock. No one have lived a perfect long life but a much shorter yet full of precious memories isn't too far to reach.
We just come and go. So I take every chance for my happiness and let all the misery be thrown out to the wind.
But there's Kurt. The only person I intendly keep in the dark. As much as I know that he's one of those I so called happiness, his, is a different story. He has lived for twenty years before he met me. All I want is for him to keep going as if I'd never existed. At all.
We're like two passengers on a bus. Same vehicle. Different stops. Sadly, I'm the first one to go.
I break up with him few days after I've known the span of time this illness can only sustain me. I can feel my pale hands tremble as I reach for his tear-filled cheeks. He doesn't utter any word. But his sobs are slowly piercing me in. It's the moment that I feel really dying inside.
I see his frailty at that very instance. Seeing him that way, one thought has raised in my mind. He indeed needs someone who's much stronger, someone who will heartfully offer him the pledge of forever.He needs a history, not merely just a chapter. In my case, it's worse. I'm just a page ripped out from his book.
I never tell him that I stop loving him (he probably won't believe it, anyway) nor did I say the real reason. But same result, I broke his heart, still.
"I'll be going somewhere you can't easily follow. So please, don't wait for me. The moment I turn my back on you, let me go with our memories and don't leave anything on yourself."
His sense of denial, his tears, his awkward silence and his final grasp are the last things I bring with me as I walk back home.
***
I'm Aeris. I've just celebrated my 52nd year birthday. Who would have believed that an almost dying person years back, has come to live more than she'd ever expected?
I'm now holding the last piece of memory of the man who saved me. Memories went flashing back again.
How I wish I was able to save him back.
***
I abruptly walk my way out when a fast approaching car's about to hit me but before all else fails, I feel him suddenly pushing me towards the roadside. My body is weakening that I instantly lose my consciousness.
We're both brought to the hospital. Few more days, then I gain some strength. And another miraculous news welcomes me. I've just had... my second life.
A genuine sense of happiness fill me in but when his image comes across my head, a sudden realization hits me. And their eyes send me the conviction.
On the bedside table lies a note. He wrote it before the operation. And it simply says...
"Live for me, my Aeris. — Kurt"
Sarah & Drake
The silence seemed to promise me a good night sleep. It was supposedly
be like that but something kept me disconcerted all through the night. It left
me restless. I decided to stay out of bed. I went to the kitchen and made a
glass of milk, hoping it would put me to slumber land. I sank myself to the
couch afterwards. As soon as I did that, I realized what it was that's bugging
me. It was this day. Soon enough, I found myself reaching for a set of
photographs piled on the cupboard nearby. I pulled out a picture. It's Drake
and I walking hand in hand. I touched the surface again and again. Right there
and then, the image hauled me to such memories... fifteen years back.
It all started when we were both ten years young. Our families were best of friends and so were we. Never would be my childhood days be complete without mentioning his name. And even after eight long years, nothing has changed. He's still that brother I never had, my shock absorber, my cheerleader, my best friend. I mean he's indeed a wonderful person and I could not ask anything more from him. Or so I thought.
Just like the old days, our families planned an out of town trip. We were eighteen back then. For almost a decade, that has been our summer break was all about — an escape from stress. This time, we would be going to the newly built rest house of Drake's clan. Excitement was mirrored in everyone’s eyes. To think that we would be free and away from the demands of busy life in the city for a month would always bring a kindle of emotions to each of us, wherever it might be, first time or not.
But Drake was an exception at that moment. He barely talked all along. And right after the plan was settled, he went straight at his room like nothing happened. He walked right past me. I didn't bother to confront him. Not now. I knew he's destructed by something and it's not yet the time to press the issue. Her mom eyed me with a sad look. She held my hand. I clasped back. "He might forget it when he sees me with my bikini on. You'll see!" They chuckled with the thought. But I highly doubted it would work.
The day after next, we packed up our things and got ready for the outing. I was about to step inside the van when he caught my attention. He's leaning against the van while talking to someone over the phone. I clearly heard everything he uttered but I tried hard not to listen more. So It was Julia. I sighed and shook my head as sheer disappointment crept into my system. Sure, it was understandable but not when I knew that I'm in love with him. So, that didn't spare me from all the pain.
I was hugging my backpack, thinking how simple yet awful the circumstance my love life was into. I loved my best friend. He loved another. She loved him back. It was so easy to see who's on the losing side now. But I couldn't stay away. Not that I wanted to get hurt and suffer more but Drake’s someone I could not stand losing. Yeah, it may sounded foolish but that’s the truth anyway.
I was still lost in thought when he drifted inside the car. He sat beside me just like the old arrangement. Neither of us said a thing throughout the trip. Rare were the times we would be like that and it was so awkward as if I was left alone with a stranger. But he's not. He's my best buddy for Pete's sake! Yeah, I remembered that. But at that moment, the last thing he could get off his mind was Julia. I instantly frowned. I just stayed looking at the window as I realized his arm was slipping over my shoulders. I looked the other way, facing him. He's still sad as the other day. I stared at him longer, somehow readying myself for another struck of pain to plunge me in. He looked back and just as what I'd expected, he opened up. "I miss her so bad."
So there he was telling me how he wanted to see her again. He even thought there's no way he would enjoy the whole summer break. I didn't say a thing and just listened. Drake and Julia had been together for almost a year now. They became officially an item at my birthday. Here's the picture. I was completely broken hearted right during my party but I have to show up there with a smiling face. And Drake? He didn't come. He's at Julia's.
Actually, I admired her as well. She's so lady-like, smart, talented and... just so perfect. No wonder, he instantly fell over heels in love with her. But they hardly knew each other. He courted her only for about a month. He hardly knew her. The thought suddenly snapped on me. Now I knew why he's so worried with almost about everything. He's not only missing her but that Julia he wooed ten months ago. Maybe he'd thought he was the one at fault and he wanted to save the relationship only to realize, he had to be gone for a month away from her and that would complicate their state even more. Their relationship's now falling apart. I'm supposed to be celebrating now but believe me, no matter how pleasant that thought for me, it was all overtaken by the pained look he gave me every time he set his gaze. Right there and then, I had to say my kindest words to ease his pain. "She surely misses you more."
He smiled. And I thanked God how I managed to hide every sign of pain.
Soon enough we arrived at the rest house. The shadow was slowly creeping over the place when we pulled in. My eyes were glued right away at the simple and homey structure of the abode. It surrounded us with a refuge-like ambiance. We roamed to see more of what it has to offer and as we entered the front doorstep, we were welcomed by a lounge well furnished by wooden chairs that added more hints of its intimacy to nature. Few steps away was the dining room adjacent to the kitchen. Back in the lounge was the staircase towards the second storey where bedrooms were reserved. With an immense enthusiasm, Drake and I made our way to our respective rooms. I was astonished to see how thrilled he was at that moment. He held my hand until we got across the doorway. I immediately went inside before the stillness made us both uncomfortable. I hurriedly closed the door, putting out of my mind what has just happened but the rapid thumping of my heart wanted to do it otherwise.
We spent the rest of the night just as normal. Over dinner, we laid our plans for tomorrow and for the next to come. My mind could not help not to imagine how terrific this summer would be. Few hours went by and they decided to take their rest. But Drake stayed. I wasn't even sleepy so I joined him. No one dared to talk. Suddenly, the moment felt so dragging. There are times between the silence that we would just stare and smile to each other. I knew how bad the idea of thinking this was all Julia's fault. She could bring all the misery out of him in a matter of a second. And no matter how hard I tried to bring back the same spontaneity, it was her that always made him holding back.
When I thought he was about to go to sleep, he stood up and offered a hand to me. I looked up and I let him grabbed mine. We went straight at the back door leading us to the seashore nearby. I undressed my feet and felt the white sand under. We walked hand in hand towards the shore. We talked just about everything except something that might spoil the mood. We decided to go back few hours after. With the very same way we got there, he clasped my hand gently yet so tight. I must be out of my mind but at that second, with such unspeakable sense of peace, I seized back.
Just as it looked promising to be cool, the next days were terrific as ever! And Drake's so back. If he's hurting, everyone barely noticed. Suddenly he's that same ten-year old boy I used to know. Seeing him with such sheer joy lingering his eyes, the first week ended knowing how I've learned to fall in love with the same person all over again.
It's three in the morning but I'm still wide awake and couldn't find a way to sleep. I tossed and turned until I decided to storm out of my room. I strode my way down and as I was about to park myself, my eyes drifted right away at the back door. Then in a fleeting moment, I found myself going closer to it. I was welcomed by the gust of wind from the shore. I felt the chill enveloping me but it didn't stop me from walking farther. I savored the silence of the dawn when I saw a familiar frame just around the corner. A thousand thrills ran down my vein at the moment he looked back. He marched towards me with a smile lurking his lips. He sat right beside me and teased me by gently patted my head. I moved closer and leaned over his shoulder. We stayed that way until his words spoiled the picture.
"We're through." He said as if he was talking to the horizon. I looked at his face, searching for any sign of pain. I didn’t know if it's the shadow of the dawn or it was him who's keeping it all inside. But with the way he uttered those words, his facade was steady and calm.
I couldn't find the right words to say so I let his mutterings go on. But he didn't dare to speak more. I gave him a questioning look and as he looked back, he easily got the hint. "Oh, the reason?"
Of course, there's probably a reason. No, scratch that. There must be a reason. I almost mouthed. But instead of those, “It’s fine if you're not in the mood to tell me. That's none of my issues, anyway." I tried hard not to frown.
He remained still. I decided not to press the matter anymore. I eventually got up on my feet. I soon walked away back to the rest house. I wasn’t too far away when out of the blue, he uttered, "There's this girl I hardly get out of my mind. She's so simple yet no ordinary. She's no lady like but her childish charms are more than enough to pull me into her. She's tough, loud and funny. She laughs easily. She always listens with interest, she's smart and witty as well... "
He went on and I kept on listening. "She's one thing I can't get over no matter how many better ones come my way. Yes, I might have found someone's too far better than her but each time I see her, I just can't seem to get over her."
He eventually rested his eyes on me as he drew his final words. "I love her. More than life."
My heart sank. I summoned all the energy I had to put a smile on my face. This time, I had to really walk away. I patted his back before I go. I realized how much I felt for Julia. We're now sailing on the same boat now. We both fell hardly in love and found ourselves being unloved back. My eyes then filled with unshed tears.
"Sarah."
I stopped for awhile without looking back.
"I forgot to tell you one more thing about her."
The pain suffocated me. I breathed in for more air. "Go on."
I heard no other words but instead I felt his arms encircling around me from behind. Then he spilled...
"She's you."
I was startled. All I could muster to do was turn around and give him a quizzical look. My eyes were all fixed at his serene face, pleading for answers. I was confused. I thought of Julia, their relationship... and ours. I tried mouthing the things running inside my head. But no word emerged. Another tear rolled off my face. It's too hurtful to know that the happiest moment I've been longing for turned out to be someone else's pain. Suddenly, I felt I am betraying someone who deserved all the love in the world. And I couldn't help not to hate myself for that.
Then, I felt Drake's tight grip with mine, trying to give some assurance that we could work it out anyhow. But I didn't feel the same courage he had. This time, I didn't clasped back. Though it tugged my heart to see that pained look on his eyes, I tried hard to show a dauntless facade and whispered, "I can't be in love with you, Drake. I-I'm Sorry."
I felt the need to explain myself so I chose the best reasons. Our friendship, Julia's feelings and mine. It left me no choice but feigned and dropped a sad news. I told him I could never love him back more than as a brother. I stressed the last word then walked away. I fought the urge to take one more glance for I knew it would take me just one look and I would be ready take those words back.
The next days had been awkward for both of us. While I'm the one who tried to act as if nothing's happened, he, on the other end, has back to being cold and passive. He never talked unless it wasn't me he's speaking to. He ignored me every time we crossed ways downstairs. It bothered me but I chose to give him more time to think. Then a week passed, and it was time to go back home. Yet still, nothing's changed with the way he treated me. He didn't sit beside me so I hadn't got the chance to talk to him. I thought I might had the best opportunity but even as we went back to our respective homes, he barely said a word to me.
Our friendship wasn't something I chose to gamble on but life sure knows how to do the trick. Now, I'm afraid I'm on the verge of losing my best friend... along with my heart.
To my utter dismay, things had not changed even a bit as school days came. All along I concealed this gripping pain lingering over me each time I saw him in school and those eyes of his giving me that icy look. And no matter how I thought of him as a selfish brat, I knew for a fact that Drake could not handle his emotions. I knew that beneath that cold exterior of a man is a boy who's in so much pain. I knew everything but circumstances would not allow me to do something. Until one afternoon, after class.
We just had our class dismissed at that time. I was making my way towards the gateway as I felt a hard bump struck me from behind. He was clearly in a hurry so instead of being fierce, I'd decided to give him a considerate nod. I looked up and saw Drake there. He abruptly apologized and ran away. I chased after and pulled his arm. He stopped but didn't look back. I held back my tears as I called for his name. Suddenly I was lost of words. I started apologizing again. "C-Can we —
Then I saw Julia, still looking stunning even with just her uniform on, came running towards our way. I was torn if I should tighten my grip on him or should I let him go, like I always did. I chose the latter one then greeted Julia and bade farewell soon enough. Just when I thought I gathered enough strength to see them together again, here I am finding the harsh truth because seared within me was nothing but regret.
I jailed myself inside my room right after school. Without changing clothes, I headed straight to my bed. I wept my long kept tears until it put me to sleep. Then my cell phone rang and woke me up. I almost fell on my bed as I read the Caller ID. Drake. I hurriedly answered the call. I cleared my throat and spoke up. Instead of his voice, I was welcomed by a girl's cry on the other line. It's Julia's. I answered back in a civil manner. But I hardly understood any of her mutterings. I sensed some urgency in her voice so I calmed her for a while and let her say it much clearly. Little did I know it was about Drake. Panic took over me and dread crept my system as she bawled, "Drake was shot. He's critical." Her words pierced me as she told me the details of his condition. I let no second passed. I slipped a jacket and abruptly strode my way to the terminal.
I run along the hospital corridor, looking for Julia. She's outside the Operating Room, still weeping. I came closer to her then I felt her arms hugging me. I was stiff for a moment but the next second, I found myself holding her close to me. We took our seat and let silence filled amidst us. I asked her what exactly the incidence that led him to this. She told me her ex- boyfriend had been bothering her for quite a lot of times lately. She told Drake about it but they did not press the issue no more for the hope that it would subside soon. But it was a big deal for Bart — her stalker, err, her ex. He made himself clear that he wanted her back yet obviously, Julia's all over him.
"Bart planned to captive me. But Drake's there to save me. At first, they're just exchanging fists and then when Drake was about to hit him with another blow, Bart pulled out a gun." I saw Julia's terrified expression right then. She stopped and reached for my hand. "I could have saved him, Sarah. I should be the one inside fighting for life."
I offered no word. I could hardly say a thing. I felt Julia clasped my hand much tighter. "You two deserve to be happy together."
A weak smile curved my lips. "You should not be saying this when it's your boyfriend who’s struggling to live there inside. He chose you because you're the one he loves. He even goes through this for you."
"He never chose me over you. I was just being persistent to be with him so I told him we could stay in this relationship even it's just one-sided. Drake's a great guy and I thought I could easily charm him. But there's you, so that makes me out of the picture."
I gazed at her with a puzzled look. "What?"
"That day, when your family decided to go for an outing, he decided to officially court you —
— but you two were—
— not together. I broke up with him on our first monthsary. "
I stayed wide-eyed with all her confessions.
"He, err, we planned it all." So that explained that I-missed-her-so-badly thingy.
I looked at the door nearby. Why did it have to be this way, Drake? I cupped my face and sighed heavily. Julia patted me and it's now time for her to comfort me.
"Drake was in tears when you held him awhile ago. He told me he's hurting himself so much more with the way he treats you but it's just that he didn't know how to restart your friendship... that friendship he thought he shattered. Actually when I saw you two at the gateway, with you awkwardly holding his arm and he, trying to suppress all the love he's got to the girl he adores, I saw two people badly needing to be together. You love him, don't you?"
Now it's my turn to say his words. "More than life." Again, Julia and I embraced.
Then we saw the surgeon came out from the room. He immediately put off his facemask and turned to us. My heart clenched as he strode his way. And as he dropped the final bomb, tears just ran down my face and I could not just stop from crying.
It all started when we were both ten years young. Our families were best of friends and so were we. Never would be my childhood days be complete without mentioning his name. And even after eight long years, nothing has changed. He's still that brother I never had, my shock absorber, my cheerleader, my best friend. I mean he's indeed a wonderful person and I could not ask anything more from him. Or so I thought.
Just like the old days, our families planned an out of town trip. We were eighteen back then. For almost a decade, that has been our summer break was all about — an escape from stress. This time, we would be going to the newly built rest house of Drake's clan. Excitement was mirrored in everyone’s eyes. To think that we would be free and away from the demands of busy life in the city for a month would always bring a kindle of emotions to each of us, wherever it might be, first time or not.
But Drake was an exception at that moment. He barely talked all along. And right after the plan was settled, he went straight at his room like nothing happened. He walked right past me. I didn't bother to confront him. Not now. I knew he's destructed by something and it's not yet the time to press the issue. Her mom eyed me with a sad look. She held my hand. I clasped back. "He might forget it when he sees me with my bikini on. You'll see!" They chuckled with the thought. But I highly doubted it would work.
The day after next, we packed up our things and got ready for the outing. I was about to step inside the van when he caught my attention. He's leaning against the van while talking to someone over the phone. I clearly heard everything he uttered but I tried hard not to listen more. So It was Julia. I sighed and shook my head as sheer disappointment crept into my system. Sure, it was understandable but not when I knew that I'm in love with him. So, that didn't spare me from all the pain.
I was hugging my backpack, thinking how simple yet awful the circumstance my love life was into. I loved my best friend. He loved another. She loved him back. It was so easy to see who's on the losing side now. But I couldn't stay away. Not that I wanted to get hurt and suffer more but Drake’s someone I could not stand losing. Yeah, it may sounded foolish but that’s the truth anyway.
I was still lost in thought when he drifted inside the car. He sat beside me just like the old arrangement. Neither of us said a thing throughout the trip. Rare were the times we would be like that and it was so awkward as if I was left alone with a stranger. But he's not. He's my best buddy for Pete's sake! Yeah, I remembered that. But at that moment, the last thing he could get off his mind was Julia. I instantly frowned. I just stayed looking at the window as I realized his arm was slipping over my shoulders. I looked the other way, facing him. He's still sad as the other day. I stared at him longer, somehow readying myself for another struck of pain to plunge me in. He looked back and just as what I'd expected, he opened up. "I miss her so bad."
So there he was telling me how he wanted to see her again. He even thought there's no way he would enjoy the whole summer break. I didn't say a thing and just listened. Drake and Julia had been together for almost a year now. They became officially an item at my birthday. Here's the picture. I was completely broken hearted right during my party but I have to show up there with a smiling face. And Drake? He didn't come. He's at Julia's.
Actually, I admired her as well. She's so lady-like, smart, talented and... just so perfect. No wonder, he instantly fell over heels in love with her. But they hardly knew each other. He courted her only for about a month. He hardly knew her. The thought suddenly snapped on me. Now I knew why he's so worried with almost about everything. He's not only missing her but that Julia he wooed ten months ago. Maybe he'd thought he was the one at fault and he wanted to save the relationship only to realize, he had to be gone for a month away from her and that would complicate their state even more. Their relationship's now falling apart. I'm supposed to be celebrating now but believe me, no matter how pleasant that thought for me, it was all overtaken by the pained look he gave me every time he set his gaze. Right there and then, I had to say my kindest words to ease his pain. "She surely misses you more."
He smiled. And I thanked God how I managed to hide every sign of pain.
Soon enough we arrived at the rest house. The shadow was slowly creeping over the place when we pulled in. My eyes were glued right away at the simple and homey structure of the abode. It surrounded us with a refuge-like ambiance. We roamed to see more of what it has to offer and as we entered the front doorstep, we were welcomed by a lounge well furnished by wooden chairs that added more hints of its intimacy to nature. Few steps away was the dining room adjacent to the kitchen. Back in the lounge was the staircase towards the second storey where bedrooms were reserved. With an immense enthusiasm, Drake and I made our way to our respective rooms. I was astonished to see how thrilled he was at that moment. He held my hand until we got across the doorway. I immediately went inside before the stillness made us both uncomfortable. I hurriedly closed the door, putting out of my mind what has just happened but the rapid thumping of my heart wanted to do it otherwise.
We spent the rest of the night just as normal. Over dinner, we laid our plans for tomorrow and for the next to come. My mind could not help not to imagine how terrific this summer would be. Few hours went by and they decided to take their rest. But Drake stayed. I wasn't even sleepy so I joined him. No one dared to talk. Suddenly, the moment felt so dragging. There are times between the silence that we would just stare and smile to each other. I knew how bad the idea of thinking this was all Julia's fault. She could bring all the misery out of him in a matter of a second. And no matter how hard I tried to bring back the same spontaneity, it was her that always made him holding back.
When I thought he was about to go to sleep, he stood up and offered a hand to me. I looked up and I let him grabbed mine. We went straight at the back door leading us to the seashore nearby. I undressed my feet and felt the white sand under. We walked hand in hand towards the shore. We talked just about everything except something that might spoil the mood. We decided to go back few hours after. With the very same way we got there, he clasped my hand gently yet so tight. I must be out of my mind but at that second, with such unspeakable sense of peace, I seized back.
Just as it looked promising to be cool, the next days were terrific as ever! And Drake's so back. If he's hurting, everyone barely noticed. Suddenly he's that same ten-year old boy I used to know. Seeing him with such sheer joy lingering his eyes, the first week ended knowing how I've learned to fall in love with the same person all over again.
It's three in the morning but I'm still wide awake and couldn't find a way to sleep. I tossed and turned until I decided to storm out of my room. I strode my way down and as I was about to park myself, my eyes drifted right away at the back door. Then in a fleeting moment, I found myself going closer to it. I was welcomed by the gust of wind from the shore. I felt the chill enveloping me but it didn't stop me from walking farther. I savored the silence of the dawn when I saw a familiar frame just around the corner. A thousand thrills ran down my vein at the moment he looked back. He marched towards me with a smile lurking his lips. He sat right beside me and teased me by gently patted my head. I moved closer and leaned over his shoulder. We stayed that way until his words spoiled the picture.
"We're through." He said as if he was talking to the horizon. I looked at his face, searching for any sign of pain. I didn’t know if it's the shadow of the dawn or it was him who's keeping it all inside. But with the way he uttered those words, his facade was steady and calm.
I couldn't find the right words to say so I let his mutterings go on. But he didn't dare to speak more. I gave him a questioning look and as he looked back, he easily got the hint. "Oh, the reason?"
Of course, there's probably a reason. No, scratch that. There must be a reason. I almost mouthed. But instead of those, “It’s fine if you're not in the mood to tell me. That's none of my issues, anyway." I tried hard not to frown.
He remained still. I decided not to press the matter anymore. I eventually got up on my feet. I soon walked away back to the rest house. I wasn’t too far away when out of the blue, he uttered, "There's this girl I hardly get out of my mind. She's so simple yet no ordinary. She's no lady like but her childish charms are more than enough to pull me into her. She's tough, loud and funny. She laughs easily. She always listens with interest, she's smart and witty as well... "
He went on and I kept on listening. "She's one thing I can't get over no matter how many better ones come my way. Yes, I might have found someone's too far better than her but each time I see her, I just can't seem to get over her."
He eventually rested his eyes on me as he drew his final words. "I love her. More than life."
My heart sank. I summoned all the energy I had to put a smile on my face. This time, I had to really walk away. I patted his back before I go. I realized how much I felt for Julia. We're now sailing on the same boat now. We both fell hardly in love and found ourselves being unloved back. My eyes then filled with unshed tears.
"Sarah."
I stopped for awhile without looking back.
"I forgot to tell you one more thing about her."
The pain suffocated me. I breathed in for more air. "Go on."
I heard no other words but instead I felt his arms encircling around me from behind. Then he spilled...
"She's you."
I was startled. All I could muster to do was turn around and give him a quizzical look. My eyes were all fixed at his serene face, pleading for answers. I was confused. I thought of Julia, their relationship... and ours. I tried mouthing the things running inside my head. But no word emerged. Another tear rolled off my face. It's too hurtful to know that the happiest moment I've been longing for turned out to be someone else's pain. Suddenly, I felt I am betraying someone who deserved all the love in the world. And I couldn't help not to hate myself for that.
Then, I felt Drake's tight grip with mine, trying to give some assurance that we could work it out anyhow. But I didn't feel the same courage he had. This time, I didn't clasped back. Though it tugged my heart to see that pained look on his eyes, I tried hard to show a dauntless facade and whispered, "I can't be in love with you, Drake. I-I'm Sorry."
I felt the need to explain myself so I chose the best reasons. Our friendship, Julia's feelings and mine. It left me no choice but feigned and dropped a sad news. I told him I could never love him back more than as a brother. I stressed the last word then walked away. I fought the urge to take one more glance for I knew it would take me just one look and I would be ready take those words back.
The next days had been awkward for both of us. While I'm the one who tried to act as if nothing's happened, he, on the other end, has back to being cold and passive. He never talked unless it wasn't me he's speaking to. He ignored me every time we crossed ways downstairs. It bothered me but I chose to give him more time to think. Then a week passed, and it was time to go back home. Yet still, nothing's changed with the way he treated me. He didn't sit beside me so I hadn't got the chance to talk to him. I thought I might had the best opportunity but even as we went back to our respective homes, he barely said a word to me.
Our friendship wasn't something I chose to gamble on but life sure knows how to do the trick. Now, I'm afraid I'm on the verge of losing my best friend... along with my heart.
To my utter dismay, things had not changed even a bit as school days came. All along I concealed this gripping pain lingering over me each time I saw him in school and those eyes of his giving me that icy look. And no matter how I thought of him as a selfish brat, I knew for a fact that Drake could not handle his emotions. I knew that beneath that cold exterior of a man is a boy who's in so much pain. I knew everything but circumstances would not allow me to do something. Until one afternoon, after class.
We just had our class dismissed at that time. I was making my way towards the gateway as I felt a hard bump struck me from behind. He was clearly in a hurry so instead of being fierce, I'd decided to give him a considerate nod. I looked up and saw Drake there. He abruptly apologized and ran away. I chased after and pulled his arm. He stopped but didn't look back. I held back my tears as I called for his name. Suddenly I was lost of words. I started apologizing again. "C-Can we —
Then I saw Julia, still looking stunning even with just her uniform on, came running towards our way. I was torn if I should tighten my grip on him or should I let him go, like I always did. I chose the latter one then greeted Julia and bade farewell soon enough. Just when I thought I gathered enough strength to see them together again, here I am finding the harsh truth because seared within me was nothing but regret.
I jailed myself inside my room right after school. Without changing clothes, I headed straight to my bed. I wept my long kept tears until it put me to sleep. Then my cell phone rang and woke me up. I almost fell on my bed as I read the Caller ID. Drake. I hurriedly answered the call. I cleared my throat and spoke up. Instead of his voice, I was welcomed by a girl's cry on the other line. It's Julia's. I answered back in a civil manner. But I hardly understood any of her mutterings. I sensed some urgency in her voice so I calmed her for a while and let her say it much clearly. Little did I know it was about Drake. Panic took over me and dread crept my system as she bawled, "Drake was shot. He's critical." Her words pierced me as she told me the details of his condition. I let no second passed. I slipped a jacket and abruptly strode my way to the terminal.
I run along the hospital corridor, looking for Julia. She's outside the Operating Room, still weeping. I came closer to her then I felt her arms hugging me. I was stiff for a moment but the next second, I found myself holding her close to me. We took our seat and let silence filled amidst us. I asked her what exactly the incidence that led him to this. She told me her ex- boyfriend had been bothering her for quite a lot of times lately. She told Drake about it but they did not press the issue no more for the hope that it would subside soon. But it was a big deal for Bart — her stalker, err, her ex. He made himself clear that he wanted her back yet obviously, Julia's all over him.
"Bart planned to captive me. But Drake's there to save me. At first, they're just exchanging fists and then when Drake was about to hit him with another blow, Bart pulled out a gun." I saw Julia's terrified expression right then. She stopped and reached for my hand. "I could have saved him, Sarah. I should be the one inside fighting for life."
I offered no word. I could hardly say a thing. I felt Julia clasped my hand much tighter. "You two deserve to be happy together."
A weak smile curved my lips. "You should not be saying this when it's your boyfriend who’s struggling to live there inside. He chose you because you're the one he loves. He even goes through this for you."
"He never chose me over you. I was just being persistent to be with him so I told him we could stay in this relationship even it's just one-sided. Drake's a great guy and I thought I could easily charm him. But there's you, so that makes me out of the picture."
I gazed at her with a puzzled look. "What?"
"That day, when your family decided to go for an outing, he decided to officially court you —
— but you two were—
— not together. I broke up with him on our first monthsary. "
I stayed wide-eyed with all her confessions.
"He, err, we planned it all." So that explained that I-missed-her-so-badly thingy.
I looked at the door nearby. Why did it have to be this way, Drake? I cupped my face and sighed heavily. Julia patted me and it's now time for her to comfort me.
"Drake was in tears when you held him awhile ago. He told me he's hurting himself so much more with the way he treats you but it's just that he didn't know how to restart your friendship... that friendship he thought he shattered. Actually when I saw you two at the gateway, with you awkwardly holding his arm and he, trying to suppress all the love he's got to the girl he adores, I saw two people badly needing to be together. You love him, don't you?"
Now it's my turn to say his words. "More than life." Again, Julia and I embraced.
Then we saw the surgeon came out from the room. He immediately put off his facemask and turned to us. My heart clenched as he strode his way. And as he dropped the final bomb, tears just ran down my face and I could not just stop from crying.
Drake. I whispered his name all over again as it
slipped through my tongue so smoothly. I took a final glance on the photograph
then later on decided to put it back. I rose up from the couch and strode my
way upstairs. I went straight to the empty bed, feeling the softness of the
sheet before me. My gaze was drawn by the sight over the window pane. Outside's
the moon bright light. A lonesome feeling struck me yet again. I stroked my
finger over the sheet and as tears brimmed my eyes, I fell asleep.
The next day, I
was welcomed by the weight of his hand over my waist. I turned and faced him.
My eyes traced his serene face. Some has changed but he still had those same
beautiful features. He aged with such undefying manly exquisiteness. I kissed
his forehead down to his nose then brushed his lips with mine. Here by my side
was the man I decided to spend forever with, the one I almost lost over a
decade ago. The man I promised to love more than life.
He woke up and
rested his eyes on me. He pulled me closer and held me with a tight embrace. I
smiled with his gesture. I realized how I dearly missed him at that moment.
Drake's just got back home after being away for almost three years because of
his Army duties. Though we didn't have much time for each other, we tried to
make it up even just like this, by waking up next to one another and cuddling all
day long.
I gripped to his
body tighter. Right there and then, I heard him said, "I'm home."
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